George Carlin's Warped Thoughts!


1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would
they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What's another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is
eating an endangered plant?
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with
their headlights off?
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear
him, is he still wrong?
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

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